The majority of us like to be liked; after all it’s perfectly natural; it feels great to be a nice person and to do our best to help other people out where we can. However, if we let our behavior and that of others go unchecked, it can be easy to be become a ’people pleaser’ and unwittingly allow other people to walk all over us.
Look to See Who Benefits from Your Behavior
Unfortunately in some cases it may be that people are intentionally treating us unfairly or pulling the wool over our eyes, so while we should not treat everyone who comes into our lives with suspicion, it is important to be aware of who or what we are dealing with.
Sometimes it is just not possible to be fully aware of a situation; full knowledge may not be disclosed to us so it can be tricky at times to know people’s motives.
The key to understanding most situations is to look at who benefits. There is a Latin maxim for this “Cui bono” or “for whose benefit is it?” which is sometimes used in the detection of crime.
If everyone benefits in equal measure in a relationship, then this is generally a good thing.
However, if another person is getting far more benefit out of a situation than the other parties involved then clearly there is an imbalance which needs to be addressed.
To be aware of a situation you really have to examine it as if you were an observer on the outside.
Sometimes asking a trusted friend for their opinion can shine new light on a situation.
Just Say No
You might want to ask yourself why you feel the need to please everyone all of the time. It may be because you are lacking in self-confidence or perhaps you are afraid that people will not like you if you do not comply with their requests.
Although you may think it is easier said than done, stopping being a people pleaser is quite simple.
It’s just a question of knowing when to say no and setting boundaries.
Once you have taken the bull by the horns and said ’no’ for the first time, believe me it does get easier.
Saying no doesn’t mean you have to be confrontational; there are ways of being assertive without being aggressive.
If you are not comfortable with a request for whatever reason then you really have to just say no.
Remember, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.
A quick ‘no I cannot do that’ is enough.
You don’t have to apologize.
Recognize Advantage Takers and Speak up
None of us like to feel we are letting people down or are being unreasonable with others. Likewise we would also like to believe that other people have our best interests at heart, but the truth of the matter is that some people just don’t.
Learn to recognize the advantage takers in your life and either cut them out of it entirely, or if this is not possible then you absolutely must take action and stand your ground.
One way to recognize advantage takers is to take notice of your instincts. If something bothers you about a situation, for whatever reason, then it’s better for all involved that you mention your concerns at the very start.
You can Still Be Nice
Not taking any BS from anyone doesn’t mean that you have to walk around with a bad ass attitude, being suspicious of everyone or acting like an unhelpful control freak.
It just means that you are aware of your own self-worth and that you are not a walk over. It doesn’t mean you have to be unapproachable. In fact those who have confidence in themselves and their abilities and know their boundaries are usually extremely easy to get along with; the difference between them and a pushover is that they know where to draw the line.
You just need to be aware that with some people, once you give them and an inch, they will take a mile.
Sometimes we may feel that giving in is being nice, but actually allowing others walk all over us is not being nice to anyone. Show the warrior within; you don’t have to turn into Boudica but you do need to show some resolve.
It’s time to stop avoiding confrontations just because you’re afraid of others’ reactions.
